Finding myself !!

I was looking into a mirror today. First I saw few pores on my skin, then I saw a few brow hair growing in awkward places and then I saw chapped lips and finally I saw my eyes, my tired eyes .I was thinking I am still in my early 30s and I am looking tired. Why?? I needed sometime to contemplate,sometime to rethink,sometime to talk to stars, and sometime to look into myself,my tired eyes!!

  Evolution is an undeniable process. From the times the two cells meet and unite to give birth to a zygote,it keeps evolving and this process of modulating oneself to changing times and people leads to a question- where am I ??

My tired eyes were guess searching for me-the me who was fresh like a rose petal,the me who was innocent like a baby,the me who was pure like a pearl of water and the me who was bright like the twinkling star.

In the hustle bustle of education, job,family and running daily errands I seem to have lost the realisation of my existence.

In the start of my journey, I thought with every box I tick I will be successful and more accomplished and nearer to myself. But while I was churning my goals I lost the time with the fresh air, the stars and the sky . My eyes were gazing at the tele more than into any real eyes. I was surrounded by gadgets and they operated at my touch but I was not in touch with anyone, not even myself. That is how much I miss myself !!

I want to go back to my home where the two cells met and evolved to design me. I want to lie flat on the mattress which lies on the terrace there and twinkle my eyes with the light of those stars, then I want to close them tight and imagine my magical tree that can fulfil my every wish, I want to feel like I own the world and I want to once again believe in myself.

I am looking into the mirror again in the pursuit of finding myself!! My tired eyes are losing their shine,their reflection and their perspective yet hoping for a magic to hold me together and wind me back to those days when I was ME!!

It is a joke!!

So if you are ever stuck with the health care system in a country which is set up by the government , this is what happens to you- one day when you are travelling to work in the bus you look out and you look at yourself and you look at the time that has passed by and you start laughing thinking may be you were not well THEN.

  

In the process of recollecting the dates you realise that you discovered your system was at fault in April. You were eager and worried and you rushed to your GP. He advised a series of tests. Your blood was sucked liberally and drafted with phlebotomist. Not only this you were subjected to those ant bites in your bum because a vitamin or mineral deficiency could have lead to what you are experiencing.

Well well, you are over a few weeks now with undiagnosed diagnosis. You are regularly seeing your GP and in May you have got a file which says all your deficient boxes have been ticked,bloods are normal and there are no signs of infection .” But it is not happening,” you mention. “You need further care.”, he says. And you are referred. A sigh of relief -YOU ARE BEING REFERRED!! You know inside you are not technically far away from finding out why,when and how !!

It is June now. You are entering the specialist’s clinic. Problems,possibilities and presumptions -all are being discussed. Another pile is distributed amongst the staff and you. You are being asked to fill the consent-You think- I am dying and you need CONSENT๐Ÿ˜ณ-cure me!!PLEASE.

As the team works only on Wednesday you are booked in for more invasive tests. Obviously you work somewhere as well even though you are not well to pay for the petrol for the trips to GP centre and the specialist corner. So after a lot of settlement in the mid of July you get a Wednesday appointment with the nurse for some advanced test which is likely to reveal -ALL IS WELL!!

The results will take two weeks and you have been given an excercise regime to pass your time meanwhile. You are nearing the end  of July and you hear the good news-ALL IS WELL.

There starts a new cascade. You are given two sets of forms now, probably it is all consent ,consent and consent. Further they emphasise that please return these forms after four weeks.By this time you have got used to the exercise and you are trying to feel that you are recovering but you question,” what was I being treated for?”

You fill in the forms and return them in the middle of August and the reception informs you,”There is a presentation conducted every Thursday as our specialist comes only on Thursdays and he will explain you what the procedure is like.” You want to laugh hard but you smile and politely ask,” When is the next one?” She says,”The following week Thursday ,September 1st.” You are dying hard to put your name down and you agree to come.

September 1st-discussion on CONSENT๐Ÿ‘ฟ๐Ÿ‘ฟ๐Ÿ‘ฟ. So now you are eager to know when is the procedure starting . The nurse is very polite and says,” the other hospital will get back to you. Normally this is within two weeks but in your case it has been 6,and I don’t know why.?”And  perhaps you don’t know now,why were you seeing the GP in the first place.๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Well, you call them every week religiously having not heard from them. The calls go in voicemail and one find day in October you recieve a call back,” Dear , we are trying to follow them up for you and soon you shall recieve a letter .Immediately get back to us then and we shall take you on our list.”

Relieved again but not for long. You recieve a letter in December 1st week .

 The letter reads-Please fill in the eligibility criteria form and if we think you qualify we shall take you on the list. We must inform you that this is Christmas time and the branch would be closed until 10th of January next year so we cannot establish anything in that time period .Many  thanks xxx

And you are left with waiting to make a wish from Father Christmas -hoping to get treated by next Christmas !”๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  

An apple finder!!

There is never a right time for a right thought. I am inquisitive and I want to know if only I am off beat. I want to know if anybody else wants to be an apple finder or not. A survey,an idea or a mere write up.

    
Now who is an apple finder? I have chosen this name for someone who wants to start his own something and spread it like a virus,be it a whole mankind or be it a whole tech series.

When Newton saw it (the apple ) falling,he discovered the laws of action and reaction. His discovery shook the existing beliefs and the Mother Earth appeared to have been bestowed with powers never found before. Such was the glory of the falling apple in his time.

Long before Newton existed, Adam and Eve’s apple act started a whole lineage. Me,you and sir Newton are a product of that one bite by Mrs. Adam. Had she not tried the little red ball, I would not have written on  the concept of an apple finder!

The last one I can remember had a movie just released. His expertise in making life easy, in taking away the load from my and your brain and bridging the gap between family and friends has been remarkable. After my attempts with nearly all kinds of smart hand pieces , I have fallen in love with his insatiable apple.

We all know these three apple finders but my worry is how many of us think of being an apple finder and in what terms. Did they do it to with an intention to find wealth or glory? Did they think that one day the apple will be their trademark ? Or was it pure serendipity ,a noble thought or a mere greed? 

Again we all are aware what happened in each case but what matters is the outcome. What matters is, did it help the society,did it generate another science,or did it guide to a brand new concept ? 

An apple finder is some one who is not thinking only of what benefit would be raised for him in terms of money , fame,satisfaction or invention, but he is the one who thinks will my invention and innovation  benefit those who would understand and afford the science. He thinks beyond the mortal outcomes. He thinks of a change, a change that will create an impact.

He could be someone who thought assembling a torch in Rupees 100 can provide light to those remote areas of the world, where there is no power source other than the sun. He could be someone who decided to take a projector and few DVD’s to a slum where people did not know what Cinema is like. Or, he could be someone who creates an app in the existing apple and makes the daily chores happen on a finger touch for million of those toiling in the tiny cubicles. 

The sole idea may be any virtue but the impact decides whether he was a true apple finder and the impact is no less than a joy,a comfort and a lead.

I am figuring out my way to be one and then probably I would in-script on the apple I shall hold. It was never easy and it will never be in future too but one day some of us shall find a way to create that impact that will last. 

The story of an apple finder begins but never dies off . It keeps reminding us of the idea every now and then ,even while I am trying to penning my thought. The story of an apple finder is the story of anyone who would connect the mankind with the little strings and re -create the phenomenon of every action has equal and opposite reaction!!

Are you one of the apple finders?? Do let me know:)

The big and small!!

Every time  I am trying to think of what more I want from life, I end up saying thanks!! 

The mess in the world, the darkness  in those parts, the ignorance in some hearts and the pallor of those faces make me realise that I am blessed to have my needs sorted and if ever would I raise my hands for Dua , they end up in saying ,”Shukriya O Khuda!!”

I cannot imagine a life with no food but  dirt cookies to eat, no shelter but trenches to hide,no clothes but scrape to cover and no idea of a good life but struggle to survive. 

On the other hand, I see the others who have  claimed to own the power and the riches. The politicians who sit on piles of their wealth, the business makers who do not even know how much they have and the other biggies who go to a seven star to fill an inch of their tums. And I think why not work to this end, why be satisfied and whisper a thanks every night before that sleep? Why not try a way out to own a penthouse , a Lamborghini and be in the list of highest tax payers ?

I think and think and think the big and the small to draw my final status , my last expectations !

And then after the rush and ease, I still say thanks for making me able, for providing me the three  meals, for keeping me safe, for gifting me family and friends, for taking care of my basics and giving me a chance to give the same to at least one other life ! 

No wealth can buy true happiness. The big and small merge to one . The horizon is where they meet and that is infinite . One can be satisfied with dirt cookies and the other could chew on gold biscuits and yet crib.

Life’s biggest pain is when you lose your sleep over not having what you do not need. The thin line between need and want ,big and small  would stay for most of us for long but for me all I know is I can only thanks!!

  

The diabetic cat๐Ÿ™€๐Ÿ™€

May be I have a wrong title today. Diabetic cat eh?!!! We were all having lunch, I microwaved my pasta, the manager peeled her tangerines and the nurses cooked their pot noodles. After the first bite that crashed in those ever dying for food tummies, our tongues started to wiggle to speak. 

We often begin our chats with the pets-Carter and Maisie -the long and short of the manager’s  and Beckie’s( my nurse)place. The topics vary from their food,their walks to their wee wee habits and their cuddles,how they are naughty and scratch each other and how they become friends again. Not only the traits ,we also often discuss their fashion sense and their accessories.

  
That afternoon the talk shifted about this furry cat who started visiting the principal dentist’s garden. His daughter would observe her for hours, how did she yawn,move, run and mess with the grass. After a few days she asked her dad, ” I want to feed that cat.”  Both the daddy and daddy’s girl started feeding the hairy beast. She enjoyed every bit of the meal,sipped the milk,licked her lips, rubbed herself in the garden and the little girl enjoyed watching her. The cat perhaps thought there was no harm in having a little brunch outside in a  cafe before dinner,especially when those tiny hands were at service.

  
This became an everyday event. It was in the schedule to feed the cat after school for Mili. She thought she would name the cat ,may be she would call her Bambi or Caramel or perhaps ,Ginger. The other day when Bambi was purring after the sumptuous meal, Mili asked daddy if she could keep Bambi for good. She promised daddy that she will take the whole responsibility but a tear shed when she was explained that she could not have her for good. However, Mr daddy agreed that Mili could feed her whenever Bambi visited them.

The trend continued for some days. One day when Mili waited with daddy with food for Bambi in the garden, Bambi was a bit late then her usual time and a note hung in her neck. Daddy held Bambi in his arms and read the note aloud,” please don’t feed the cat while she visits your garden,the cat is DIABETIC.” 

The exchange stopped soon and the course of after school  activity changed for Mili, yet Bambi etched a laughable memory of being diabetic!!๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

Never too late,are we?!

Everytime I reach a point, I am saturated sooner than I would have planned for initially. I am trying to find out where does my passion lie? What makes me excited ? When do I feel the high without the sips of red wine ? Everytime I ponder, wonder, think and feel, I land up in no discovery. I have nothing that I would do for hours together with all my heart into it. How weird is that!! 

My other dentists go online to see a cricket match in their off time or visit a webpage showing the best dresses in the least prices and I do an audit when I get a chance to breathe. An audit for godsakes!! Back to work from work in work. This is what I am passionate about?? No,I am sure no. If that was it then I would not have had days of self doubts and days when I repeatedly said that I don’t want to be a dentist. I prefer to be honest in my exploration.

Then in the adventurous bus journey to get back to my cocoon, I start writing on my discovery of my passions. Is writing something that I want to do over and over again? Is it something that will keep me engrossed to levels that I would always be ecstatic? I continue to disagree. I do not read. I do not know how I passed my exams all these years but I don’t!! Then if I cannot admire what someone else has pictured then how can I grow in what I scribble. I thought passion takes you to a high.

I often end up couching on weekends in front of the TV screen trying to fiddle with that remote to kill my time with a Bollywood masala. May be all I want to do is watch some flashy songs with nonsensical lyrics and listen to the dialogues that stand out on delivery. I think I haven’t got a class while I nudge into the Sky TV, so may be this is far too idle to be passionate.

Food and to be precise good food excites me. Anything on a contrasting plate with vibrant colours and mild flavours brings on the spark in my teeny weeny eyes. Cooking flavoursome food is my cuppa tea but I have calorie meter in my brains ticking. For no good is sin free, indulgence is a crime for me. The passion sighs and dies having seen those numbers. 

I have filtered them all. My canvass has colours but I don’t know which one is the one that I want to squeeze so hard that my whole life would be around. Am I lost or am I not quite ready for it? 

I am walking as the day is asking me to with no drive, no heat and no clarity. It is good to live for the day but is it worth living without a focus? I am not miserable at the moment but may be I lack info or may be I am yet to reach the fathoms in one of them stated above. 

  
Hope has not died. The spark is wiggling but it is there. I will rekindle it and I pass it on to burn me ,eventually!! 

The last story !!

I am not a fond reader and this is one fact that keeps me off from learning more. I  am pretty selective in reading and definitely reading by choice never happens to me! 

After the entire day of analysing human relationships and yapping all day with my family members, I needed to calm down. For a change I reverted to a book on acrylic paints. I finished some sixty pages and I quite picked up the tips. I watched a comedy series,brushed and while I lied in my cozy bed I agreed to read a short story to myself.

A story of barter of red marbles to some peas,apples and peaches. The grocer never claimed any marbles from those needy kids and yet filled their tummies each day. The little kindness helped them groom and turned them into fine gentlemen,who eventually stood by the grocer in his last hours!! It was a heart touching story. I instantly reflected on the big hearted poor grocer. The thought that gripped me was is success different from fame and which is more important?

I was watching an interview of some Indian celebs on television a few days ago. One of them when asked what did he think of the newer performers , the fellow confirmed ,” They may be famous but they are not successful.” The next episode in the same series had another celebrity mentioning that on his first successful film his mother said to him,” Son if others have not been successful,do not think they are fools.”

The last story I read left me into the same dilemma. I have always wanted to be famous and popular but now I was questioning  my own goals. There has been a change in my thought process and I am through a rigorous process of defining success and fame for a while now. The conclusions are suspended at the moment and making a choice has not been easy. I would like to mention here I haven’t tasted either so far but I want to choose one of them for my future. 

The many thoughts and attempts that break into my mind make me realise that I rather do less and fill myself with satisfaction than appear bigger yet empty. 

The idea of being famous is from the spectator’s eye but the fruit of success is from one’s effort. The audience will change after every show and one shall observe peaks and troughs in his fame but once successful within himself he shall stay successful for the rest of his life.

The grocer died with no mention in the society, no big mansion,no wealth in his banks but his little successes in that barter for marbles stood by him while he struggled to survive. He was an infamous vegetable seller but his story helped me write and discover. He was successful in making lost souls like me choose.

The celeb’s mother was confident that such a fame will not keep him grounded and hence she mentioned that his contemporaries are equally good!

May be I could say that true success is never followed by a fall and unless one fails several times no true success is his!! This is still processing and may be one day I will successfully define the terms:)