From a busy mum…

It has been ages that I peeped into my blog. I have been trying to get in there ,collect my thoughts, phrase a para or two, read them again and feel returned and today I sat down with it ,thinking atleast to jot down a para or two …may be about my boy or my return to work!

The other day, only in my second week of return to work we were discussing do we really need to make babies ? How unsettling it can be from being  a duo to a trio and with that age gap? Like the thought itself sweeps the floor away . Whoa!! Non stop crying , sleepless nights, no night outs, constant whinging and then a flood of issues as that lil being grows up until they know this is papa ,this is mama, we sleep in night , eat three times a day  and most of all eat and sleep by ourselves !!

Well the talk reminded me of the days when I had no maternal instincts what so ever . All I looked forward to was few working days a week, some time to enjoy cooking , a few phone calls, socialising on weekends may be with a drink or two and outings with my guy! The thought of having a LO only shivered me that it will change my set lifestyle and I always strategised how am I gonna defend the monster!

We were fruitfully growing in our relationship and it was almost the tenth year..a long time of being together!! Biological , mental ,social pressure was rising  and the clock was ticking. It was like now or never! May be we were better of with a NoW!

After a few months we learnt that we are not gonna remain a perfect couple anymore- the new entry is here , kicking for his space already! The most talked about nine months passed with loads of hospital visits, imaging , vitamins,some panic attacks and still with the strategy to not let change anything between us two!!

On a very cold morning he cried loud-may be or may be not -I guess I was still half asleep. He latched on to me , he was hungry , exhausted  and was looking for the same warmth.. I could only feel it but could not realise much .. Guess I was exhausted too!!

When I came to senses I saw the lil footer with a left club foot sleeping with his  hands up!! Innocence dawned on his face and he was perhaps the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

However that did not change my other side one bit .. The first three months were upside down! I missed myself , my perfect week , my more than perfect weekend – I was house arrested with no sleep! All I had all day to do was feed , nappy, howling , nappy, feed like the world had come to a stand still and nothing was ever gonna change! What a plight it was….I think we did not understand each other at all then !!

He was a lil thing to look at but a fighter. He had a few casts on his left leg – hip to foot- that lasted for a month and a half but nothing stopped him from smashing them on the floor . His leg would turn blue at spots when the casts were changed but the only thing that ever bothered him was his meal and a dirty nappy ! At the age of 10 weeks he was put to sleep and given a cut in his foot followed by a cast for 3 weeks..I had to keep him hungry three hours prior to surgery and the surgery took two hours!! She handed him to me , he was brutally hungry not ready to take mummy’s milk, he was upset ,angry and crying like I had never seen before. I could not help him , I felt like I was no good  , lil him could only cry and cry more -something just melted in me , may be I was guilty for all those times in the past 3 months when I had blamed him for changing every small thing  in my life !!

Things changed ever since . He had his cast removed this time after 21 days- the surgery was successful but he had more stuff to tie up. Boots and bar they call it and it starts with 23 hours for 3 months first. The first 23 hours were the hardest for me and my lil footer . He cried and I refused to leave him for even one second  for the first time – the mum was born !   We got settled the next day and it was not long when he gave his first heart melting smiles to us . The journey was like any other baby’s but we had our little struggles because my munchkin had to be on those bars for hours together. The number decreased and now it is only night while he is nearly 10 months. 

I haven’t slept for even one night ever since he has been there. I still breast feed him. He still struggles with B&B in nights, cries and needs me to put him back to sleep but that has only increased my love for him and has motivated me to work harder.  Our first family art

I work part time now-3 days a week. The other weekdays we are at baby groups and weekends we three eat at our favourite joints and go to park ! 

I often say to myself and whenever someone is in dilemma about having a LO -” yes, I am busy but we are complete!! ” 

 

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A year and new ME!!

Hello all, in a long time I said a hello here. Where have I been? Was I so busy that I forgot my other side? What kept me engaged that I never wrote in the whole of last year? Did I not question myself in this one year or did I never wish to mention how I felt this year? 

I missed it. I missed emptying my brain here. I missed pouring my heart here. I missed reading what my fellow bloggers had to say. I missed the stats. I missed the remarks. May be I missed my other half.

What I was up to, has changed my whole life for good. I was processing  my mind, reforming my body, moulding my niche, rejuvenating my energy, conquering my fears and carving my skills for welcoming my little man to this beautiful world. Yes, I was turning my sides for a whole new role of being a mum!! 

  
It all began on 17th February 2016 in a laboratory , where two cells one wriggly ,one static combined to form the basis of our new and changed lives. I was cold, numb, lost and last I saw was a micro pipette and he was shot in. Few weeks passed and there was a deep magenta line on the strip, he was in me!! Hurray … We didn’t fail!! And the next was a news to family and friends!! 

I decided to live each moment, just in case I don’t get to live it again. And perhaps God decided it the same way. It was a smooth, fun filled ride . I talked to the bud each day and it was not long when he started talking back to me!! He was not shy, he kicked ,danced,rocked and rolled every now and then to let me know he was there and he was all mine!!

 
While I was counting my days to meet him, I was also wanting the cuddles from within me to last forever. How I could carry him with me all the time , be it my dental clinic chair, grocery shop, scanning room ,the cafe or for a tap on my patient’s head!! I had my mate in my belly.

9 beautiful months, 2 travel destinations, 2 lovely baby showers, 10 ultrasound scans, 1 big bump and n number of prayers- it was all about him!! 
   

  

Then began the preparations, what would he need as soon as he is out- a beanie,a blankie, a warm outfit, a snuggle toy, a place to dream, a comforter, or just a warm, forever cuddle from me!! Guess the last one has outlasted all.☺️
And then began the hitches! It is now. NO!! Definitely now . NO !! I bet now .NO!! A few days passed and I thought he was happy inside and I was happy too!! It was cozy and it was only me and him! But they had to push him out after 18 longest hours of my life ,away from me but by me. 4th November ,2016 he stepped into our world with a loud cry and tears of joy in our eyes!! 

My sonnie was with me, right in my arms, close to my heart, beaming into my face!!  

  
And this was just the beginning!!

 

Silence is all that you need!!

My last post was perhaps 5 months ago. 2016 has been running really fast and I was so fastened in the hustle and bustle of life,that I totally forgot that I enjoy writing . Sometimes, chaos is the only word in life and so it has been for me for this long.

 A new job, new set up, new colleagues,new welcomes and new begginings in a row masked the silence in my life. My mind never stood still all these months and peace as if was a state that never existed, not because I was struggling but because my plate was so full.

And today I am writing again sitting in my verandah with a cup of desi chai with the main door open and listening to birds hum their twilight songs!! Why did it dawn on me today? Why was there a sudden urge to mention what have I been up to ? 

It was my off day today, I was home alone, I watched a Bollywood flick called ‘Sabarjit’ for my love of Bollywood . It was a true story of an innocent farmer who spent 23 years of life in jail just because he happened to cross the Indo-Pak border by mistake. The story was appalling and in the name of politics he and his folks suffered for years until he was assaulted in the jail and eventually died. The story was disturbing and more than the film, the real time interviews of the family members on the you tube brought a tear into my eyes!!

I took a long shower to let the emotion flow and straight went to the prayer room to thank God for giving me all I have today. Then went out for a stroll in my garden. The summer appeared so colourful ,the green mesh had daisies,the roses were blossoming, the lavenders were swinging, and the birds were singing. All I could experience was PEACE and SILENCE!!

  PC:http://www.wildomarconnected.com

I have been up to so much all this while, that I almost neglected the best things that surround me. For all my days that have been surrounded by computer screens, laptops,mobile phones,people talking so much, frustrations, complaints, anguish and fake laughters,today I stood in that green patch all by myself breathing deep in silence, gazing at the wild pink and white carnations, humming a tune,watching the snails crawl and the clouds and the sun play hide and seek!

The chaos was gone!! I was with me!! I was me!!

It was like a revelation. A moment which I wanted to last till my last breathe. A moment when nothing mattered and nothing stood mortal. It echoed to me that life is beautiful and I am blessed!

We all look for happiness but we always fail to realise it is always with us and within us!! 

May the silence I felt today be with me forever !! Amen!!

Let go!!

While you wait for the new dawn,

Let go of what’s already gone,

While you find a shadow there,

Don’t baffle, it is just a shadow ,

All you need is the need ,

that you need to let go!!

While you sink in the memories,

Don’t miss that made your heart sore,

This time is the time ,

When you just need to let go!!

While you fill your empty mug ,

And the curtains  curl for the show,

New beginnings are never too late,

But you have to let go!!

While you miss what throbbed you once,

While you make those million returns ,

I would say,” don’t stop.”

I would say ,” that’s not yours.”

I would say,” move on”

I would say ,”let us grow.”

I would say ,”even if you turn back ,just let go ,just let go.”

And While you wait for the new dawn,

Let go of what’s already gone!!

  
Photo credits:https://inspiredeverymoment.wordpress.com/tag/letting-go/

College Diaries-chapter 3-At The Saurabhs’!!

Now that I am a grown up, earnings, savings, bank accounts, extravaganza stresses me out. One evening I logged into my bank statements of 2009-10 and I was shocked to see my prodigal side yet I was not regretting the then lavish times. Memories rolled back in my mind and one of the best times that we as a college gang spent together were at the Saurabhs’.

The two Nair boys of different years had become our great friends. While  the girls of the gang stayed at the hostel under the college regulations, the two chose to spend a li’l extra and stay as flat mates. They were so complimentary to each other. For our simplification, we chose to call them out by their nicknames. Although a few more characteristics could help one separate their identity 😂.

  The flat was in a residential colony called Bhoopsandra.Their den had  two rooms with windows that helped them peep into the neighbours’ home. They were  decorated enough to not let the visitors’ expectations down. One of them also had a TV with a cable connection. There was a skimpy kitchen on one end. And if someone would scan that square, one could say it was a well equipped one. Here, I would like to mention that the girls contributed to the maintenance of the premises. 

Although we never worked really hard during our weekdays but we all waited for the weekend, especially the Saturday!! The college used to get over by 1:00 PM,and soon we all would be swarming out of the hive. A mega group stood outside the college entrance arguing over where to eat the lunch. Often it was our favourite kitchen- the Nandinis and at other times we would split into different restaurants. However ,the most consistent outcome was – that we four always stayed together until our last day in the college. 

After that massive unlimited lunch, we drove on our bikes to our rescue spot. Absolutely, drained after the fun of one whole week and the hogging on Saturday afternoon, the first thing we splurged into was sleep. We slept until the doorbell or the phone rang and  the older Saurabh was abused for not letting the fifth mad man in. He was the charm of the weekends, came from a different college, travelled two hours on the weekend ,sacrificing his relaxation hours in travelling  to spend the weekend with us.

  The evening opened with a ginger tea by junior S and some Parle G. The menu for the dinner was discussed and the three musketeers drove to the nearest grocery shop and shop next to it to get their weekend quotas. Cooking was no major issue because except the senior S, all knew their bits and chased them to perfection. Some music played in the background. We talked, bullied, chased each other but there were no clashes what so ever.

An understanding beyond exception existed and continues to exist.

The nights were often the best times. We often served our home cooked dinner with a reality show, throwing in all sorts of nonsense comments and then moved on to watching a pirated movie on the laptop and finally it was only some of our favourite music pieces. 

It often rained in Bangalore and we were all Ghazal fans. The nights were all about some good lyrics, some cold ,some drizzle, some mad but not heated discussions ( obviously with no conclusions),some disgust over the masters program, some remorse of what would we gain out of these years, some cheers over our good times, some dance in the high spirits, some glasses that were toasted together, some clever comments, some mad moments, and some bizarre memories!!

There was no end to those Saturday nights but the Sunday sun blazed over us. The charmer cooked us breakfast-our favourite poha with a ginger tea. We did our journal clubs after ordering food from the cheapest restaurant nearby. We brimmed our tea glasses many a times throughout the day. There was no routine except for having fun together. The Sunday went off very quickly and we two were dropped to our hostel to start for next mad week and hope for the even madder Saturday night!!

  We laughed, we laughed and we laughed our lungs out. It could only happen when we infamous five met at the Saurabhs’. The memories don’t past me and have been etched forever. The extravaganza looks perfectly normal to me today because it was the best investment ever!!

INTRIGUED !!

Who is a good reader? I don’t know!! What I know is I am not a good reader. A habit that I have tried to inculcate over the years but have never succeeded. When some of my more intellectual pals discussed politics, thrillers, or economies my prime goal was to use my two ears-GIGO(get in get out)-that’s an easy strategy when you know  that you do not know anything. I had never been the first one to miss a discussion on Bollywood. The zone has been limited and I had never bothered to broaden it. 

I often, mentioned to a good friend that I would like to start reading. He was the one who both read and wrote beautiful pieces and had a selection of books to go through. He suggested me a trick to start with simple, less tantalising stories like rom-coms. I almost thought on his idea and glimpsed through the book shelf at WH Smith. The prefaces did not appear to gain my attention. Yet, the fact a good writer needs to first read could not be overlooked by me.

Having finished my training and driving lessons, I was left with ample time to do something more. I tried painting, writing some romantic poetries and cooking but of course, how much of that fancy food could I stock up in my tummy? I needed something more passive yet occupying. My partner is  extensively into reading and I left the responsibility of finding me something that will grip me for hours.

He went to the local library and picked up a thriller for me. The story was woven around a business corporation in Sweden and its lost heir. The author went into extreme detail to let the reader’s imagination tinker. With every page one could imagine how was the set up of a room, the whole village, the characters, the cafe, the kitchen and the coffee brewer, the atrocities, the gamble and the vengeance. Every tiny detail painted a picture. A picture of thousand senses. 

  
Photo credit:dc.wikia.com

Initially I was reluctant , read a chapter a day, trying to build my interest. But before I could realise the story turned into a case of finding of a lost soul and how it had not been discovered for 37 odd years. The author has woven an intricate web and despite all my efforts to imagine I was left clueless. Like I was the journalist, I queried- what may have gone wrong? Who was the killer? What was the motif?

I was on an off  that weekend. After finishing the daily chores, I sat on the couch with the  500 pages  , I was curious beyond surprise. The why , who and how would not let me sleep. So I started again at 9:00 PM on the Saturday night and continued till 5:00 PM on the Sunday evening with barely a four hour sleep,30 mins of freshening up and 30 minutes of meal. 

A sigh of relief cuddled me when I eventually discovered what happened to Harriet Vanger. I closed the blinds for some sleep but my brain never slept and kept revising the events and the investigations. 

It was in ages that I had picked a book with no expected conclusion and a story that intrigued me. My imagination was set on fire. Every little conversation, love making,city travel, decoding the encrypt, and connecting the bits kept me into it.

Finally,  I have discovered  my taste. A good thriller was an adrenaline rush for me. This is passive yet employing. I had enjoyed reading for the first time . The author has written a trilogy and I am yet to dig in the remaining two. 

Perhaps, the moral is try before you deny!!

The Comeback 😊😊

So this time you are sitting in your study and you receive a telephone call,” Hello there, how are you? Do you remember me?” You stand near the telephone stand with a bewildered expression on your face,your right brow raises, you voice is muffling and your mind is trying to guess and you reply,” Is it Natasha?” The voice replies back,” Oh!! So now you don’t remember me!!” You in  your apologetic tone answer back,” I am sorry but I cannot recall.” ” Well, I can understand it has been nearly 20 years that we spoke.”,the voice replies with a chuckle. The chuckle rings a bell to you and you jump and shout,” Hey, Fatso how have you been?”. And the conversation continues for hours where in you learn that your childhood friend has come back to the town. You plan a date with her and the memories blossom again.

A comeback of a person who left you with fond memories is always a delight. We all have had such experiences which bring smiles and tears on our faces at the same time. The good time spent in the past and reliving it again can never be replaced by anything better.

Whenever I think of my post graduate programme which lasted three years, I always wonder what did I achieve out of it. As I did not continue to practice what I learnt for those three years. It was a waste of time academically and contributed nothing significant to my career . Yet,it was a time that I would wish to come back again and again in my years to follow. I made some classic friends and some classic memories. Those three years were the years when I lived the way I wished to. They were the years when I did everything but read the big books. The years where me and my friends sat for hours together and dreamt of our future good lives- the dreams that we never lived.

  

Life was like smoke, no boundaries,no life path ,no looking back,no regrets and no remorse. All we had were us and our dreams.

We are in touch still and quite aware what is going on each others’ lives but I and perhaps ,all of us are waiting for the comeback of those times.

However, not all comebacks are desirable. Sometimes, some sore times dribble back with some entrances. You don’t want to welcome them but you want to give them a chance thinking may be things will turn around, the broken trust  will revert, the tears shed will fade away and you and them will be in better situation.

Unfortunately,the skeptical you doesn’t leave you in this case. The disbeliefs persist. You want to know if there is a motive or is it an honest try? Is something being disguised in the name of comeback. Hold on, breathe and do not hush!! Rekindling what left you burning at one point is not want you want again. Perhaps being cautious and guarding yourself against the intentions -good or bad – is not a bad idea.

The point is life is mixture of good and bad experiences. One has all the rights to be happy and all the rights to discard what is going to rot and embrace what is going to bring many more beautiful moments.

The comebacks

The  shiny bright eyes,

 the warmth that lasted,

the memories that it etched, 

when the  times were crafted!!

Reincarnate, revive ,

Relive with me 

I am waiting for u,

I am waiting endlessly!!