Everytime I reach a point, I am saturated sooner than I would have planned for initially. I am trying to find out where does my passion lie? What makes me excited ? When do I feel the high without the sips of red wine ? Everytime I ponder, wonder, think and feel, I land up in no discovery. I have nothing that I would do for hours together with all my heart into it. How weird is that!!
My other dentists go online to see a cricket match in their off time or visit a webpage showing the best dresses in the least prices and I do an audit when I get a chance to breathe. An audit for godsakes!! Back to work from work in work. This is what I am passionate about?? No,I am sure no. If that was it then I would not have had days of self doubts and days when I repeatedly said that I don’t want to be a dentist. I prefer to be honest in my exploration.
Then in the adventurous bus journey to get back to my cocoon, I start writing on my discovery of my passions. Is writing something that I want to do over and over again? Is it something that will keep me engrossed to levels that I would always be ecstatic? I continue to disagree. I do not read. I do not know how I passed my exams all these years but I don’t!! Then if I cannot admire what someone else has pictured then how can I grow in what I scribble. I thought passion takes you to a high.
I often end up couching on weekends in front of the TV screen trying to fiddle with that remote to kill my time with a Bollywood masala. May be all I want to do is watch some flashy songs with nonsensical lyrics and listen to the dialogues that stand out on delivery. I think I haven’t got a class while I nudge into the Sky TV, so may be this is far too idle to be passionate.
Food and to be precise good food excites me. Anything on a contrasting plate with vibrant colours and mild flavours brings on the spark in my teeny weeny eyes. Cooking flavoursome food is my cuppa tea but I have calorie meter in my brains ticking. For no good is sin free, indulgence is a crime for me. The passion sighs and dies having seen those numbers.
I have filtered them all. My canvass has colours but I don’t know which one is the one that I want to squeeze so hard that my whole life would be around. Am I lost or am I not quite ready for it?
I am walking as the day is asking me to with no drive, no heat and no clarity. It is good to live for the day but is it worth living without a focus? I am not miserable at the moment but may be I lack info or may be I am yet to reach the fathoms in one of them stated above.