What is on my mind now? Why suddenly all religious? I have a lot more to ponder on but while I am on this wagon I am thinking about my visit to the Leicester Jain temple and the scripture we picked from there.
After that lovely evening of some work on our souls when we retired into our bed ,my partner read it to me. Some big terms summarised who I was born as. I was born to achieve the perfected knowledge via righteousness,austerity and self discipline. I was suppose to make sure that I practice non violence and I avoid hurting any being intentionally and untintentionally. I was ultimately required to believe in self control and reach the unreachable. I listened about the Jain teerthankaras, preachers, and the ordinary men and women and I learnt about the Aagams and the other Jain scriptures.
The four tiny information packed pages turned and tossed me the whole night. I felt as if I was standing in a witness box and was bombarded with questions. Did you break someone’s heart? Were you angry on any occasion?Did you think before you ate what you ate?Did you fancy any male figure?Did you plan to hurt your rival? Were you kind on that day? Back to back they rumbled. I was dumbstruck. I lost the power to defend , I lost the purpose and I lost the sanity. I felt as if I was LOSING MY RELIGION.
The next day I was to reach my dad. He is a well versed guy in Jainism. He holds the right perception. He is my hero not only because he provided me with all but because he guided me towards light always. I knew if I ever felt it was all bleak , I knew my light torch was a call away.
Tring tring it rang. “Hello my dear ,how are you?”he said. “Not very good, I think I am confused and now I am thinking if I have ever done the right bit!” I said. His worried voice said,” I hope everything is okay. How is your health and I hope you are doing well at work!!” That is a parent to you. I pacified him,” All is fine, but I am doubting myself. I do not know if I have ever been a good Jain and a good human being ?” I related him to the last sleepless night and how those four tiny printed papers questioned my belief and my existence. He took a deep breathe and said ,” My dear, all religions teach only one thing and that is the base of existence of any living being.” I questioned,” Just one thing but I was surrounded by so many monstrous thoughts as if all the wrongs I have done in my 30 years surfaced, sentencing me a life time imprisonment.” He replied ,”Calm down my little girl, every religion is meant to unite us as human beings for a common good. If you carry a clear conscience,you follow all the sidhantas of Lord Mahavir. If you can medidate and be thoughtless for mere 5 seconds , you nearly achieve the perfected knowledge. And that is what your four printed papers summed up!”I was quiet and I thanked him. A bit about here and there and I was all with myself.
Now I had a directional introspection and the only thought that stayed was, was I thoughtless ever? I laughed and laughed hard. It was nearly impossible to practice it for 5 seconds and the attempt to think and do so made it impossible . Like a friend quoted a while ago,” If you were reading Hanuman chalisa ( a Hindu scripture about Lord Hanuman)and you were asked not to think about a monkey ,you will definitely think of it.” So was the case with thoughtlessness.
My perfected knowledge is far from me and I am hoping someday I will be blank. I have never gained anything to lose. The turmoil settled and I got back to my own scripted ‘karma theory ‘to keep me in peace!!