Yesterday night and today have been ringing in the background even though I am in my regular activity loop. The day passed yesterday and soon I was flipping through the older photographs while waiting for some sleep. I was processing yester years’ memories. I smiled, frowned,a tear dropped down,my face calmed,remorse filled my heart , I giggled and emptiness triggered. I felt as if I was being churned at 360,000 rpm that very moment and every bitter happy memory surrounded me until I slept for the next wake up call.
Easy I thought , “I am feeling better!! Let us stay this way, it is weekend after all.” I had a whole lot to reflect on and I was acting very disciplined. “I am gonna cook the breakfast, sit on the breakfast chair and begin my work. I will take a break to prepare the lunch, take the shower and I will catch up with my plan today again”,I repeated to myself. But there was something lacking today also. I was not fully up to it. I was present there in my schedule, mechanically working to resolve my back log but my heart was not into it. I was thinking that did I really want to do this? Did I really wish to build up my castle brick by brick, achieving the milestones,running the race like everyone else would? Did I know I have found my true love? Is anything missing from life? Am I happy with whatever I have achieved? If yes, where is my peace? Why am I NOT fully engrossed in my work?
Endless question marks put me off and soon I was into releasing some endorphins by working out. I calmed down. I plugged some 90’s Bollywood songs into my ears and took a walk in the ally. I was missing something. I think the introspection has not been there for a while and suddenly my system had started recycling last night.
Life gets busy for all of us. I have been into that loop as well. Last time I thought about how I was sailing through was a while ago. A few years have gone into making my career,then straightlining the relationships and now earning a living. The days are passing by and my focus is only getting myself acquainted to this new phase of life, new country and new people.
Yesterday when the mixed feelings opened up, I realised I haven’t laughed my lungs out in a while now. I haven’t bothered how I look. There are days when I forget to comb my hair, while there were times when I made sure I was looking my best everyday. My hands are being washed a million times a day and I forget to put a hand cream. I do not crave for a delicacy or visiting a restaurant or watching a movie in theatre anymore. So preoccupied with achieving the next turning point, I have not made any every day realisations. I miss it all and I have failed to read through them.
May be all of us are in that same cycle now where happiness is weighed against the luxuries we have. I am sure we all look back to the times when we wanted to fly, travel the world, join a NGO, write a book, paint the world, and above all follow our passions and be ourselves. But unfortunately we timed out and pushed ourselves into the same life path as our parents and siblings.
I am not sure if this emptiness will stay with me tomorrow when I will be waking up to feed us, cleaning the house, preparing for my next day at work and reflecting on my art of dentistry. What I know is that this gap today has rendered me in a different kind of peace. I am quiet, calm, reciprocating to myself not with discontent but with a hope that someday when I am done with my to do list I will fall in love, I will follow my heart, I will paint the world, I will write a book and I will dance to my favourite tunes!!
There will be a day when I will be myself. I will be inside out.