Losing my religion!!

What is on my mind now? Why suddenly all religious? I have a lot more to ponder on but while I am on this wagon I am thinking about my visit to the Leicester Jain temple and the scripture we picked from there.


After that lovely evening of some work on our souls when we retired into our bed ,my partner read it to me. Some big terms summarised who I was born as. I was born to achieve the perfected knowledge via righteousness,austerity and self discipline. I was suppose to make sure that I practice non violence and I avoid hurting any being intentionally and untintentionally. I was ultimately required to believe in self control and reach the unreachable. I listened about the Jain teerthankaras, preachers, and the ordinary men and women and I learnt about the Aagams and the other Jain scriptures.

The four tiny information packed pages turned and tossed me the whole night. I felt as if I was standing in a witness box and was bombarded with questions. Did you break someone’s heart? Were you angry on any occasion?Did you think before you ate what you ate?Did you fancy any male figure?Did you plan to hurt your rival? Were you kind on that day? Back to back they rumbled. I was dumbstruck. I lost the power to defend , I lost the purpose and I lost the sanity. I felt as if I was LOSING MY RELIGION. 

 

The next day I was to reach my dad. He is a well versed guy in Jainism. He holds the right perception. He is my hero not only because he provided me with all but because he guided me towards light always. I knew if I ever felt it was all bleak , I knew my light torch was a call away.

Tring tring it rang. “Hello my dear ,how are you?”he said. “Not very good, I think I am confused and now I am thinking if I have ever done the right bit!” I said. His worried voice said,” I hope everything is okay. How is your health and I hope you are doing well at work!!” That is a parent to you. I pacified him,” All is fine, but I am doubting myself. I do not know if I have ever been a good Jain and a good human being ?” I related him to the last sleepless night and how those four tiny printed papers questioned my belief and my existence. He took a deep breathe and said ,” My dear, all religions teach only one thing and that is the base of existence of any living being.” I questioned,” Just one thing but I was surrounded by so many monstrous thoughts as if all the wrongs I have done in my 30 years surfaced, sentencing me a life time imprisonment.” He replied ,”Calm down my little girl, every religion is meant to unite us as human beings for a common good. If you carry a clear conscience,you follow all the sidhantas of Lord Mahavir. If you can medidate and be thoughtless for mere 5 seconds , you nearly achieve the perfected knowledge. And that is what your four printed papers summed up!”I was quiet and I thanked him. A bit about here and there and I was all with myself.

Now I had a directional introspection and the only thought that stayed was, was I thoughtless ever?  I laughed and laughed hard. It was nearly impossible to practice it for 5 seconds and the attempt to think and do so made it impossible . Like a friend quoted a while ago,” If you were reading Hanuman chalisa ( a Hindu scripture about Lord Hanuman)and you were asked not to think about a monkey ,you will definitely think of it.” So was the case with thoughtlessness.

My perfected knowledge is far from me and I am hoping someday I will be blank. I have never gained anything to lose. The turmoil settled and I got back to my own scripted ‘karma theory ‘to keep me in peace!!

A mixed bag!!😊😣👿😂😳

Yesterday night and today have been ringing in the background even though I am in my regular activity loop. The day passed yesterday and soon I was flipping through the older photographs while waiting for some sleep. I was processing yester years’ memories. I smiled, frowned,a tear dropped down,my face calmed,remorse filled my heart , I giggled and emptiness triggered. I felt as if I was being churned at 360,000 rpm that very moment and every bitter happy memory surrounded me until I slept for the next wake up call.

  
Easy I thought , “I am feeling better!! Let us stay this way, it is weekend after all.” I had a whole lot to reflect on and I was acting very disciplined. “I am gonna cook the breakfast, sit on the breakfast chair and begin my work. I will take a break to prepare the lunch, take the shower and I will catch up with my plan today again”,I repeated to myself. But there was something lacking today also. I was not fully up to it. I was present there in my schedule, mechanically working to resolve my back log but my heart was not into it. I was thinking that did I really want to do this? Did I really wish to build up my castle brick by brick, achieving the milestones,running the race like everyone else would? Did I know I have found my true love? Is anything missing from life? Am I happy with whatever I have achieved? If yes, where is my peace? Why am I NOT fully engrossed in my work?

Endless question marks put me off and soon I was into releasing some endorphins by working out. I calmed down. I plugged some 90’s Bollywood songs into my ears and took a walk in the ally. I was missing something. I think the introspection has not been there for a while and suddenly my system had started recycling last night. 

Life gets busy for all of us. I have been into that loop as well. Last time I thought about how I was sailing through was a while ago. A few years have gone into making my career,then straightlining the relationships and now earning a living. The days are passing by and my focus is only getting myself acquainted to this new phase of life, new country and new people. 

Yesterday when the mixed feelings opened up, I realised I haven’t laughed my lungs out in a while now. I haven’t bothered how I look. There are days when I forget to comb my hair, while there were times when I made sure I was looking my best everyday. My hands are being washed a million times a day and I forget to put a hand cream. I do not crave for a delicacy or visiting a restaurant or watching a movie in theatre anymore. So preoccupied with achieving the next turning point, I have not made any every day realisations. I miss it all and I have failed to read through them. 

May be all of us are in that same cycle now where happiness is weighed against the luxuries we have. I am sure we all look back to the times when we wanted to fly, travel the world, join a NGO, write a book, paint the world, and above all follow our passions and be ourselves. But unfortunately we timed out and pushed ourselves into the same life path as our parents and siblings.

   
I am not sure if this emptiness will stay with me tomorrow when I will be waking up to feed us, cleaning the house, preparing for my next day at work and reflecting on my art of dentistry. What I know is that this     gap today has rendered me in a different kind of peace. I am quiet, calm, reciprocating to myself not with discontent but with a hope that someday when I am done with my to do list  I will fall in love, I will follow my heart, I will paint the world, I will write a book and I will dance to my favourite tunes!!

There will be a day when I will be myself. I will be inside out. 

Wisdom that was difficult!! 😱😱

My grandma said to my father and my mother said to me when we were nearing eighteen and sobbing in pain,”It is coming out slowly, little by little ,that white sharp peak exploring its way from the pink valleys, and you are growing well. The wisdom is rising .” But nobody told us that the rise was  not with a flash of light rather it was the story of that dormant volcano at Sicily which sobs every now and then and then one fine day revolts back to lose again. The wisdom took a few years before it was out and functional.

 Am I misleading you guys? May be I am but that is what happened to me. My wisdom teeth took a few good years to come through,sometimes so angry that they bled and sometimes so pious that they stopped moaning after a few chills to my being. And so was the graph of my brain cell development with peaks and valleys until I was grown up enough at 25. To my surprise, all four of them popped out too after an awful struggle to establish their position in my dynamic jaws.

Mom and Gran coerced,” She is a grown up lady now!!” Woohoo, college was nearing an end ,the wisdoms were enjoying their newly found domains and I was declared grown up , which would mean I could choose where to party, I could go on a trip with my mates and I could choose my companion. I never thought of voting though I could do it since 18. The sense of freedom thrilled me. The first thing I did was I declined two marriage proposals opiniating they did not  suit my intellect. Following it I decided to go out with my friends on  a three day Kodai City break and then of course it was easy to say NO to a lot of stuff imposed from everywhere. Even though they said they were more experienced, I begged to differ saying I was a grown up, matured lady then.

My university exams neared , it was my last year. It was raining heavily that night in Chennai, some trees at the hostel had fallen down, the cafe was shut and there was no coffee to keep us going so we all shut down our books and knocked ourselves off. I don’t know if I was dreaming but I groaned in agony,woke up and saw my half swollen face. It was an abscess and I was in pain 9/10. Some pills down my throat, ice and what not – NO RELIEF! Next day I was sitting in the OMFS department and some films were already shot. My wisdom was in trouble. The only option for the little devil was to pull it out of its  territory. After a few strokes on my heavy cheek it was drilled out. 25% gone. The scale had come down, not only the pain but my wisdom too( I thought😐).


Within a span of 2 years, with repeated surgeries in my mouth, I was wisdom free. In the same time frame I was into an arrange marriage. May be it was just a coincidence but that was it!!

It has been a few good years now and I take away those milestones for many of them when they are in 50’s and 60’s. I continued to rise without them and I still am , but they left a story behind:)

The sushi that was not mine!!👿👿

So how many times have you thought of what you are going to binge as soon as you are back from that tiring day? I do it nearly every day and sometimes I make that extra effort to roll it. 

While the first bus never made it to the stop after waiting for nearly 15 minutes, I was sure I was due to miss the next one! Anyways the journey began, though late but it did and then I started thinking of what to cook and what was there at home to snack on. To my realisations , there was no quick bite whatsoever today and the fact I was getting late and late by every passing minute I was getting surer that I was going to miss the next one that drops me at my door step.

My mind is a dungeon or may be a devil’s workshop , it refuses to chill. But today I had decided to refrain from criticising my dentist part of me  as a friend yesterday had said to me,” When you change your scrubs and put on the shoes that take you home , make sure all of you is going home and only you is going home!” Nice thought ! Haha! Easier said than done but I was here trying to be good.

After a long 45 minutes I dropped me and my shoulder bag out of that bus and headed for the next one. It was 20 minutes away . Now what could have I done ? I thought let us hang around and there it was the destination of my tummy- morrisons yummy;) . I fished into it ,especially the green section. After a 10 minutes of scrutiny I picked a three type of hummus pack and a VEGETARIAN sushi . Japanese food is amongst the best oriental cuisines but they don’t do a lot of green stuff being deep into the sea. To my surprise the British had taken the flavours a step ahead and they thought  of Indians as well while they modified it. The result being you can find the vegetarian sushi in odd stores.

  
I picked them, hushed back and here I was sitting in another stagecoach. I was counting how many sushis I had in that pack , how many did I have to share with my partner and how many could I take for lunch tomorrow?? Well the choice was either I could eat them today or tomorrow . Eventually the decision was I was eating them asap I was home and I had to share them 😞. The phone rang and it said,”I had a sandwich just now, not hungry , please don’t cook the dinner.” Eeeeeeeeeeeeho!! The seven of them were all mine. 

I sat there relaxed waiting for the right stopping . Occasionally slipping into the shoes I had left an hour ago and trying to get out of them with a snap. I lost my thought. Was I hypotensive today? Don’t know. There was a little shadow , a blackout and when I switched on I was pressing the stopping button. I got out of my seat happily, the driver called out and said that he was sorry that I could not get my smart card in my time and I said to him,” Don’t you worry!” I had already transported into that satiation. I got down. The bus passed by. I crossed the roads and looked down, I was still with my shoulder bag. Where was my sushi bag??? Oh my lord ! It went with the coach. Phew! Devastated me stood at my doorstep.

 The sushi that wasn’t mine had travelled a few miles now. 

  
I bursted into a laughter, a laughter that brought tears into my eyes. Soon I was in the kitchen cooking one of the worst dinners of the times!