When in doubt…

A real optimist idea !! Worth a read, worth a follow!!

Little Grey Box

On Friday last week I woke up filled with doubt. I don’t know what took over me, I think it was a combination of some weird dreams I’d had and spending too much time looking at the internet. Whatever it was, it totally took over.

So many doubts swirled through my mind, mostly about my abilities and my success. I’m really open about sharing my thoughts with you guys and I’d say 90% of the time I’m really positive. That positivity and trust fuels me and has led me to where I am in my life. But that remaining 10% is the crappy stuff that creeps into your mind sometimes.

Well, Friday was 10%’s time to shine. I kept thinking that maybe I’m just not good enough to succeed how I want to. Maybe my writing isn’t good enough. Maybe my photography isn’t good enough. Maybe I’m not interesting or…

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When you feel like a middling !!😐

I have had nothing much to do for last two days. I have stopped innovating myself in dentistry as I was losing interest in it already. I am hoping one day I will be able to take pride in it again and will write about how nice it feels to be a dentist. Last night I could not sleep well thinking ,was I lacking the skills to be a businessman? I always thought I was in a noble profession but my belief was breaking each day. People seem to understand only one word ” MONEY.” After multiple efforts and failures I was feeling mediocre. Now , I see why I could not sleep.

Today I opened my eyes to realise that I had a driving class. I brushed , dressed and poured some tea into me. I have been registering with the recruitment agencies. They have a tick box for driving. So you see , if I was to revive my belief in dentistry and be of interest to someone hiring me I should  be a registered driver. I am done with half a century of those right-left-roundabout-break-accelerator lessons and I still can’t drive through a roundabout without hesitation. I so lacked it. I lacked what someone would achieve in his teenage. 

 http://i.ytimg.com/vi/XcK8sjzTlWI/maxresdefault.jpg 

My instructor is an old chap with 40 year of driving experience. He knows my area of competency , throws me to those roundabouts on each lesson and waits for that one occasion when he can say good. I have failed to impress him. The world has been tearing apart for me lately. At the end of the session I asked,” Tony, can we achieve a pass a little quicker?” He looked at me ,sighed and said,” You need those roundabouts , manoeuvres and heavy traffic sorted .” I muttered to myself,” No job for me until winters😳!!”  I am 32 and I am struggling to sell my skills and buy new skills. My cognition abilities have been constantly challenged. I , now sometimes think I am just IQ 50.

So basically I was gutted that I was good for nothing !! It is not the best feeling and you don’t want to disperse that energy to your readers. I did not want to do that either.I decided to use my disaster with all the D’s in my life at the moment to make me and you think ,”This shall pass too!”

Here are a few things that I tried since that driving class in the morning: 

  • Morrisons(retail therapy): the moment I was back I was almost into tears. I was counting on everything that is not right . My partner had made me some breakfast and we headed for grocery shopping. Nothing feels and looks better than food to me. I was shopping and lifting up my spirits. Flap jacks!! sneakers!!-serotonin is a great kick.
  • Italian(Favourite meal):I am a fan of pasta and anything that is not routine. I had picked up some asparagus and I decided to indulge in home-made pasta and chargrilled asparagus. It is food after all and we live to eat has been my mantra for ages now.The thought of garlic /sundries tomatoes/grilled vegetables was already stimulating my palate. I was reminded that I was a decent cook.

  

 

  • Jab we met( holly/bolly style): Like I mentioned before , I am an ardent Bollywood follower. The tele was on and I saw Kareena Kapoor who has missed her train second time. She rushes to the station master’s cabin.The station masters says to her,” Ladki ek  khuli tizori hoti hai.”😂😂( a girl is like an open safe) .I could not resist laughing. Watch what takes you away from what is not working for you!  

Source:http://www.indicine.com/movies/img/2007/08/jab_we_met.jpg

  • Pooja room( pray/medidate): When you have no one,you surely have Him around you. This morning another friend of mine sent me a mail. The last line read ,” if He has put you into it , He will take you through it.” When I prayed ,I let it out to the Universe. He listens and I am sure He does. Try Him!!
  • Cross trainer(exercise): I had done the evening pooja. I was calmer. I hopped on that machine with music plugged into my ears. Blood was rushing in  my veins and O2 into my lungs. I was burning my calories for being productive. It is loads better than assuming you are no good!!
  • Anuj( pick that message/call): I had pings on my messenger . I was thinking should I check or not? I thought may be yes! It was Anuj, an old pal from college. After we empathised on how dentistry was plagued globally,he mentioned to me,” I love those pieces written by you. I may not comment but I follow them.” Wow!! I felt like a star😇.

Now it’s evening . I am now thinking may be I am not that silly, may be it is just time, may be I am yet to learn and develop. 

Every little thing that happened to me today made me realise that nature is always ready to compensate but we fail to have faith. May be … 

 Source:quotesfan.com

Switch off on your day off!! 😴😴

 
It was 8:00 am in the morning and it was my day off. I got up and I slided our satin mauve black out curtain. The day was a right day for not peeping into oral cavity. The weather was moderately cold,the sky was cloudy,there was a light drizzle ,the birds were already singing and I was home alone. The feeling of being  home alone is a real good feeling sometimes. You know you can binge and you are not obliged to cook breakfast or clean your bedroom!! I was determined I have to take a break from constantly thinking about what next !! 

This week  I had four continuous days off and I am writing this post on my second day. I have had wasted yesterday. I was equally focussed yesterday to switch off but it never occurred to me. I was on phone from eleven in the morning till late night finding about an offer and the provider. I still question,” Is it dentistry,  really?”  I was almost comatose by 11:30  PM and thought I could not publish anything then. I had already wasted the day and wasted my energy on working out the impossible.

 Today after boarding the bus 38 A and reaching my physician’s clinic, ironically  I was feeling less jittery. There was no bang in my head and I was ready for the blood to be sucked by a wide bore needle. I am ok with needles and blood, may be that’s why it is health care for me!! Phew ! that was quick and I was out. I thought why not start the day by walking a few miles and losing a few ounces but it started pouring and I had to board the bus back to my house. 

This was an okayish start, I did not  get the time to think about what next!! While I sipped my coffee chilling on my couch I was thinking of mum and her mathris( a fried Indian crisp) .I instantly called her and took the notes on the recipe. I personally believe that instant outcome for one’s curiosity is the beauty of Internet . I hated frying or may be I was not good at it, I don’t know!! This was going to be my first attempt.

 

Mathri is the yummiest and commonest Indian savoury with chai. It’s made out of plain flour,butter/ oil, common salt and black pepper corns /cumin or any flavour that hits your palate. The ingredients are mixed into a dough and rested for a while. Once it is prepared we have to make small flat rounds and fry it !! Aah !! Pretty easy isn’t it ;).                      

The first batch was out. I was sulking already, it lacked mum’s magic. It was not crisp. Was I thinking of dentistry , CV ,rejection , failure again ? I do not remember. My repeated failures had made me impatient and I wanted results quickly and perhaps, easily.  

 

They looked alright yet they were innocent . They had not matured enough to crack on the first bite. I was failing to recreate the magic and I,this time wanted to discover instead of Google. A few new tricks were tried and a few batches were martyred!! Then I thought,” let me switch off the stove and switch off my mind. “This was the analytical phase and I was sure my critical reflection would lead me in the right direction

  
I had nothing much left to play and this was my last attempt. I rolled the dough for mathris.I punched the core of each one of them.I slowed down the flame. I let them enjoy their oily bath. I kept sliding them easily with my spoon. I saw them bubble. They were enjoying each second of sacrificing their innocence. They were turning crispy. They were willing to crack in someone’s mouth. Here they were, the little golden skinned ones basking in the glory of my critical analysis.

 

 While I was letting them ease of the  pressure of being the best, I was thinking we all go through these phases in life. We are naive and we fail to impress when we are in a rush, time hammers us and eventually we learn to be patient, we go through a whole cycle of slow processing, we burn,we radiate and we exchange, finally we are willing and we are prepared to handle life. That is life to us!! 

The mathris were ready for my evening tea. I was happy that I did switch off and  I am happy that  I added another flavour to my life!! 

First aid first!!

 
Today it was not work at work which meant we were ‘training.’ Dentistry like any science is about constantly updating yourself. With regulations getting tougher and tougher on the dental staff and health and safety becoming a primary part of health care, we need to enrol in the continuing professional development programme. So today we were not in black or grey , we were in casual outfits and looked more colourful than usual.

Jeff, a mid – forties lean fellow in a blue shirt and grey anti fit style pants with his metal strapped watch on his left wrist and his projector, iPad, manikins, ME(medical emergency) kit and oxygen cylinder was training us today . I was wondering how did he manage to get here with his  four Brad manikins and himself? But he did and we were glad he did as it brought us some CPD points 😉.

 Brad manikin with detachable nose and lips!!

The course was split into two sessions. First aid before lunch and Safegaurding after lunch. The important feature here to note was the lunch as we could have some sandwiches from the Barrel’s.  We were 11 of us from different practices attending this one with our own doubts about how to help an ailing patient or colleague. 

Jeff was quite thorough and of course knew in and out of his talk. He started by giving a key ring which would probably make you a hero if there was an emergency. The yellow wrapped up key chain had quick instructions for CPR and also kept one safe from Ebola and what not. The wonder plastic in it was a face shield. Having distributed those little life savers, he moved on to talk about CPR – when, where,how!! Precise to action and not theory alone. The group was enthusiastic about learning but the session was interrupted by a few experiences and jokes . We were laughing and learning. This is one thing I appreciate about the UK way of learning . It allows your brain to work and not sleep. 

Right from angina to panic attacks every emergency that can possibly occur in a life of a dentist was there. Jeff was good with sounds, expressions and body language. AED has been a friend to many. The technology has advanced so much that one could be a Yamraj( the God of life and death in Indian mythology) if it was reviving a life within 2 minutes of a heart attack. So obviously not much introduction to this self explanatory gadget was required. 

The Barrel’s guy was in and water was already boiling in the kettle. It was the sandwich time. After a good one hour break Jeff divided us in groups and we were given our CPR mates with detachable mid maxilla. We tried different positions and thumped on his chest and pumped his lungs yet Brad was nice to us. 

 
It was getting chilly and we were already sleepy , it was a no work day after all. The second session was on Safegaurding vulnerable adult and children. Interesting topic but with enormous paper work that will make one think ,” Will I be safe after all that effort?” He posted some fantastic cases and I could only think that it was no different in any part of the world. Peace of mind and security- they are only to be  found with some antique dealers  now a days !! After a bombarding session of conflicting ideas from cultural mixing to ethos of finding who needed help we were given an assurance that our  CPD certificates will be sent off ! Ah!! Thanks Jeff. 

Me and Emma ( one of our nurses) decided to go to promenade after long training hours were over.We were soon sitting at La Tasca,a popular Spanish restaurant. We ordered some tapas and drinks. The sea was mad and ships were moving across in that turbulence. 


After a little chit – chat, food and drinks we called it a day. She rang for the taxi and I boarded my bus. As I had nothing to do now I was thinking. Was I confident to save a life? What if I suspected that the kid in my bus has been abused, will I do anything for him? Will admitting the truth make me a coward?  I will be honest here, unless my adrenaline will kick me I would think twice and perhaps it will be more than two minutes by then!  Most people are like me. We all wish to make a difference to the society but we are so engrossed in making that little money to run our lives that we do not think about the bigger things.

Then I thought one day I may need that hand or eye and someone will think twice. Life has become a roller coaster for each one of us. We come on this earth, grow up , go to school, choose careers, find love , make money , buy a house, and give birth to another life but we seldom think to give that hand to a stranger!! I could think no more.

“I am being rhetorical here. But if the world was a better place where trust was easy to find Jeff would have left after lunch, I would have not thought may be I am a coward and I would have known that when I would need a CPR no one would hesitate!!”

 
Hasta la vista folks and remember ‘first aid‘ – first!!

Life is shorter than you think!!

  
Another day of being a dentist. Same old teeth , same fillings,same complains, and same ‘ please don’t worry, I will take care of you.’  Yes it was another day at work. Like I have been sharing here, I have invested 12 good years and 12K pounds in learning the art of dentistry. I still doubt if this is I wanted to do my entire life. 

I got up at seven , made my breakfast,packed my sandwich, picked my scrubs and headed to the bus stop. I haven’t got my driving license through so I  am dependent on public transport, not that I am not a safe driver. I normally travel with music plugged in ,that keeps me sane for a long day. I knew I had a long day today. 

I reached the surgery, opened the door and my nurse welcomed me with a hug after the bank holiday. I must mention she is one of the nicest girls I have met after being here for a while. While I changed to my scrubs , she made  sure she was ready with her list for me. The list read ‘ exam,exam,rct,crown prep, filling ,exam,rct and so on!’ Well it is our moral duty to relieve pain and I look at Hippocrates’ oath often!  

 

So we were all set and we were easing the pain. Half a day was gone. I tried peeping in my phone’s apps to see if I had any updates on my blog. Today has been a good day with regards to my blog. People were reading me. Guess I am okay with writing and often keep writing records in my lunch break and today was no different. The second half was less tedious. My sweet nurse shared a few words about her boat and how it needed some maintenance . It was nearly time to wind up and I was thinking ,” Is this all I ever wanted to do?” May be I wanted life to offer me more, not money, not patients but more satisfaction.

I boarded the bus again. Like I mentioned before I overthink. My thoughts do not stop once my brain cells get activated . I started retrospectively , I was a good artist in my school days , I wrote poetry on every festival celebrated in India as a child, I loved cooking when I grew up, I wanted to experience the sea when I was away from home but from nowhere I was a dentist now. Not that I hated healing, but this was not something I was born with and born for . The crux of the matter was I was doing something that I was doing for my living, my 12 years’ dedication and my dad’s idea to see me as a doctor. 

Next I was to board my train, I looked out of the window. There were farms open to the sun,ponies playing around, kids on bicycles, people jogging ,the fellow passengers reading books of their choice and there was me thinking. I was wondering I am 32 now, for past 12 years I have done nothing but dentistry.I have restarted writing only four days back,my incomplete art work is lying in a corner, I haven’t cooked anything special in a few months now, I have been to the sea only once in last two months when  I live next to it. 

This is a glimpse of my incomplete art work lying in the corner of my bedroom for 6 months now.  

What exactly was I doing, when I did not know if I will be boarding the bus to work at all tomorrow? 

Suddenly I had a shock wave and I thought what if tomorrow never came for me. Will I not regret being someone who never did what he wanted to? I had a bucket list like all of us have but ‘the when never came‘. I actually had a long and a bad day. The bad day made me think life was shorter than I thought. Life was only today. I could not have reversed my 12 years and have gone to an art school. I could not have asked my dad that why he wanted me to be a dentist. I could not have changed the way my day went. Then what was it I could do? So I cooked with all my heart today , gaucomele was an addition to the meals. I offered my partner if he wanted a blueberry smoothie before he called the day. I opened Twitter and read what a few Bollywood stars ( I am a die hard Bollywood fan😉)had to say and then I thought I had to write. This was a matter of 2 hours but I was doing exactly what I should have done.  

  

One will never have time and resources to pursue what they desired for. This is because we think we will live till late seventies. I do not deny that but what if you are too late to live it then. Life is short and there is no time for remorse. My 12 years will never revert back but I can still go to an art school, I can still write my poetry and I can still print my recipe book. 

  http://inspirably.com/uploads/user/16605-life-is-too-short-live-laugh-and-love.png

Pick up what you want to do mates than picking up what you have to do. If you are in love with every moment that passes by , you will know that the years we ‘live ‘ will never be enough!!

Happy Birthday to you!!🎂🍰🍻

Today is my youngest sister in law’s birthday. She is one of my favourite women. A fighter at heart, an engineer by job and a chef by hobby. She bakes some awesome stuff and she is pretty meticulous at that. The one below is her latest baking for an Indian savoury. 

 

It is 12:00 noon. I am sitting in a dental surgery and I am thinking about birthdays. Birthdays .. what is the hype around the day? A birthday is the  most awaited day round the year. It is a day when  a five year old knows at least two people won’t forget to make her/him smile. It is a day when a teenager’s FB timeline is the focus of the day. It is a day when a lover knows that he will be surprised. It is a day when a parent knows another year of brilliant efforts has passed. Birthdays are special!! 

  Source: cdn.odb.org

I was seven year old when my mum and dad decided to celebrate my special day with my friends. Mum took out her old recipe book.She sometimes would peep into that little book when dad insisted. I had not seen her use it often as she was the masterchef of the house. Precisely, that day was special for her. She rushed through the faded pages and opened recipe number 36. The recipe was titled eggless chocolate cake. She phoned dad at the office and muttered the ingredient list. After an hour the door bell rang and the office clerk handed over a parcel. She was excited and made sure she had everything to bake the best cake for the evening. She was used to multitasking. While her oven was on the preheating mode, she made the batter for idli sambhar( rice pan cakes and lentil soup ) with chutneys. That was the menu for the evening . 

 Source: http://cdn.awesomecuisine.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/sambar_for_idli.jpg

The aroma was magical. I was ready with my speech to boast about my mum’s cooking before my mates. The table was being decorated. She got a phone call. It was my father with his list of queries. They often landed up in squabbles in event organisation. I was turning eight and I thought it was no less than a mega event!! After 15 minutes of some conversation it was decided that dad would hire a video player and a video cassette. The movie had to be a total entertainer. There were different names suggested. I obviously did not have a favourite Bollywood actor then. I left the decision to my brother. The choice eventually was an action release aaj ka gundaraaj. I was all about Tom and Jerry then and my brother’s selection did not impress me.

It was twilight . My mum changed me into a pink frilled frock with lacy border. I wore my favourite white sandals which I haven’t binned even though the straps had torn. I was feeling like Cindrella and as if I was about to meet the prince. Both my parents and brother were preparing to welcome the guests. I had some seven friends in my neighbourhood. Except one , all of them were in the living room at seven in the evening. I was thrilled by the fancy presents and glittery wrappers. I was realising each moment that I was special!!

Dad had organised the video player by then. We all sat in a row and gazed at the video. Chiranjeevi ( the hero of the film) was known for his stunts. The movie though was not my cup of tea , kept us engaged. My friends kept admiring’ the sharbat ‘mom had made. The climax was due for next 1 1/2 hour. We were hungry and were thinking about the chocolate cake. Eyes were rolling here and there. We could not wait for Chiranjeevi to kill the villain. I sneaked into the kitchen and grumbled,” the movie is boring mom, I want to blow the candles!”

Soon there  were balloons in all colors in the dining room. Paper frills around the table and in the centre was my chocolate   cake. The delicious looking cake bordered with gems. It clearly read happy birthday Neetu!! with candles around it. It was my cake that my mum made. I blew the candles and soon I could hear the clapping and the birthday song. I was turning eight and the moment was imprinting in my memory. All of us indulged in idli sambhar and the cake. My birthday was nearing to an end. My friends were happy , mom was thrilled that the recipe was a success, dad and brother were waiting to see Chiranjeevi in the climax and I was feeling out of the world. What a day I had, it was just my day.  Source:http://askgeorgie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/happy.jpg

This was my eighth birthday. It is a memory that I have had in my heart and mind intact for years. Life is always about such days . Days when we feel like the world is our oyster. Days when we smile over gestures that are absolutely innocent. Days when we  craft efforts and make sure we bring the same joy to someone special. 

Now I have to make it special for my sister in law and I am hoping you will make it special for some one too!!

  

Source:http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ZY4EQVXI5WA/mqdefault.jpg

Mercury retrograde🌘🌙 – hit me right!!

What is on my mind? Why am I suddenly blogging about this astrological phenomenon? What does a passive blogger like me has to do with what the planet of communication does? What,why,how??

  Source: stuffpoint.com

Let me first introduce you to Mercury retrograde . Mercury is the planet of communication and technology. When I started following astrology closely, I learnt Mercury was my birth lord and there were certain times of the year when I would have delays despite having  all the papers right. It is astrologically famed as “Mercury retrograde.”

Mercury goes into hibernation three times a year. That is the time when communications break down, misunderstandings take birth, technology fails and may be if you phone me my ears won’t hear it. Mercury retrograde is a time of reflecting,revising ,rehabilitating.

Sounds disruptive,eh!! I am not usually negative on my blogs, then why am I writing about Mercury slowing down? Why is my half knowledge about astrology moulding my thoughts? I am puzzled but I am trying to reason out. Perhaps, the reason is I am seeing a new beginning from an old gateway!  

 
Let us see retrospectively. I was starting my new job in June. Everything around my hopes and dreams shattered when the promises were not delivered. My effort was in vain for the third time. I started reviewing my CV, sending them out, facing rejections and occasionally an email from WordPress caught my eye. The dampening reminded me of the Astro-science  and the Mercury . Yes, he was sleeping! 

This time and perhaps every other time, I have only gained. But this is the first time I am feeling nature controls us for us. I am back to WordPress, I have decided to read what my fellow bloggers are posting, I am feeling inspired  again and I have picked up words to share the nature’s boons! There is a reason and there is change.

  
We may not always get what we work for but we have to agree that He has bigger plans!! The universe is kind.The motions up there are not responsible for our actions down here. Retrograde was not the reason for my failure and rejections. I had something better coming up.

The bank holiday, the slow down,the rejections , the failure paced me to emote, admire, express and upgrade. I downloaded a few apps , but believe me I am not a tech savvy.  I triggered my senses to gauge what others have to say. My ideas needed to flow and structure. I am now communicating via technology while the sky is sleepy and dreamy!! 
  

I am with myself after a year and  the Birth Lord  has hit me right this time!! I am glad the dreaded change in the sky  worked for me .